A Little Black Raincloud

Regret seems to loom over us like a dark and stormy cloud. ☔️And I’m not talking about the adorable little black ones in Winnie the Pooh. ☁️I’m talking about the kind that makes your inner voice scream at you and say “you should have done _______” or “why did you do that?!” ❓ As you have probably experienced this in your own sort of way, you get what I mean. I don’t have to explain it to you. We understand each other. 🙌

I myself carry a lot of regret. You see, there was this time in 8th grade, when I was skinny, but still had curves. Come to think if it, I still thought I was fat back then though. I did however like the fact that guys actually thought I was cute, and that seemed to be the time where I was the happiest with my appearance. 😍

Then, the summer before 9th grade, I completely let myself go. I remember being home alone a lot, and I would just eat and eat and eat. I got pretty creative when it came to different dessert concoctions too. Sometimes I would eat a tub of frozen cool whip, when we ran out of ice cream. I have no idea what got into me. I couldn’t control myself.

I really packed on the pounds then. I went from being about 150 to 170 all in a summer. It may not seem like much to you, but it was visibly different in the mirror. It was very depressing too. I kept beating myself up about it in my head. I would tell myself “you shouldn’t eat that. ” but I would then turn around and eat that, plus 2 more items if junk food. 🍪

Things spiraled out of my control. I used to be able to wear a size 5 jeans in juniors (granted they were snug) and then by the time back to school shopping rolled around, I had to wear size 9. I cried when I tried on the things I had bought for myself. I felt terrible about my body, but I just let myself continue to gradually gain weight.

I now weigh about 200 pounds. What makes it worse is the fact that I’m only 5’3, so I’m short and fat. I cry every time I try on clothes that I buy, and now I wear a 13 in pants. They make me feel like a whale, and sometimes I can’t even fit into them on fat days. I wear XL shirts now, even though I vowed of myself that it would never get that far. 😔

However, I will not let this deter me from my goals. In fact, I will use this information to help propel me in the right direction. 🙌

Keep calm and stay motivated. Love, Mimi. 💋

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